"Hello my name is Amy and I'm a big ol' slacker." Everyone together "HI AMY"
I thought that would feel good getting off my chest but not really. I suppose it's because I'm not a slacker per se but a person who when not provided with boundaries, goals and accountability slips into a life of well...slacking. This realization began about 2 weeks ago when I was distressed for the billionth time that I wasn't losing weight. I mean c'mon I got the freakin' salad at Rumbi's and ma and I split dessert at Yard House. What the heck man I'm doing my part?
*I'm hanging my head in embarrassment* I found out the caloric intake of my salad and my half of dessert but more on that later.
In my distressed state a question occurred to me, what is drives some people? You know the people I'm talking about, the individuals who put in the extra hours at work, not for the cash but because of their commitment or drive for knowledge. They are the same people eating the healthy choice option in a restaurant and sipping a cocktail of soda water and vodka verses the margarita and cheeseburger in front of you and me? I chewed on that question for several days. I wanted that drive again. I wanted to be inspired to be the best physically I can be and attempt some success in a career.
I should qualify this by saying I'm not the girl that hates skinny chicks with the Jolie arms. Well...most of the time I don't. I occasionally want to smack one but the majority of the time I get it. They put the time in gym and said no to the waffle fries. My question is HOW or better yet WHY do they do that?
Last week, the Hubbs and I pondered my question over dinner at Chick Fil A (grilled breast no bun, half an order of the aforementioned waffle fries). Hubbs reminded me that I've spent the last decade of my life examining every issue I could find that was causing me to drive my life into a ditch. I've racked hours in my therapist's office, small groups discussing boundaries and reading books upon books on subjects ranging from co-dependency to safe people to getting finances in order. He laid it on pretty thick and I needed to hear it. He told me that I'm radically different than I was the day he met me 12 years ago so he had no doubt that if I could change as much as I had in that area of my life this new question would be a piece of cake. Yummm...cake. Crap I'm digressing.
His enthusiasm for my accomplishments was nice but it didn't ease my turmoil. That came the next day from an unexpected source, my dad. I know right? I was surprised too. Now don't get me wrong, my dad is a pretty bright guy. If I have questions on finances, building a house or anything to do with vehicles he's my man but the human condition...not really his forte. But as he has said to me on several occasions "even a blind dog can sniff up a bone once in awhile". Anyway, our phone conversation had taken a weird turn and I ended up posing my question to him. After all the stuff I was able to change why can I not overcome this weight and writing discipline issue? He told me three things and all of them were quite brilliant:
#1 - He agreed that I've matured and healed tremendously which is probably due in part from the love of a good man namely Hubbs. However the pain that I was suffering from before helped drive my need for control over my body. It inspired me to stay fit. Now that pain is gone so is the drive. (WHOA! Holy crud that's incredible! Keep digging Dog.)
#2 - Next he's known me for a few years, like almost 36 of them. One thing I was not successful changing is my need for limits and boundaries to stay motivated. I used to hate summer vaca because I just lazed around watching TV. I was bored out of my mind with no real ambition to do anything about it. Without a reason to do something I flat out didn't do it. (Ok hold up now this is getting a little insulting.)
#3 - Lastly it's just laziness. (You understand the therapy now doncha?!) Crap, I hate it when he's right and he may have been a more than a little right on all three points especially #3!.
I know the basic logic of gain and loss. You spend more than you make you go into debt. You eat more calories than you burn you put on weight. Easy peezy we all know that but what changed for me after that marathon conversation with Dad-dog was if I had just read the self help book or just listened to my therapist and never took action it would have been a complete waste of time and resources. So while I knew what it took to finish a script or to get back into my skinny pants I'm wasn’t taking real action. Soooo....
ACTION!
Just before my dad-dog’s words brilliance, my mom called me and asked for my help. She wanted me to join weight watchers with her. I agreed to it mostly out of shock. She's never asked for something like that before and I was curious. She thought if we were in the same boat then we'd support each other and with WW I'd have the limits/boundaries I needed to be successful.
She was as correct as the dad-dog. I was stunned to find out that my Rumbi's salad was 700 calories and my 1/2 of the dessert was another 600!! Knowledge then action. Five days later I'm down a few lbs and feeling so good about it I sat down and *gasp* wrote!!
One last thing before we say adieu. After days of marinating in this new information, I realized that my new found drive came not out of the pain of my past but out of a new healthier relationship with 2 people I may have disregarded before; my parents. Wow. That's pretty awesome to think that after so many years we're back to where we started from. They are my mom and dad and I get to be the kid who still needs their wisdom.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
This Kalifornia Gurl says Ciao for Now!
There's an interesting phenomenon in the practice of yoga. As I'm sure you know yoga consists of various poses while centering your energy around your breath. For example you want to wrap your right leg around the left side of your head all the while breathing like you're giving birth to a baby llama. That's just me? Ok... the phenomenon I'm talking about is while in getting into some of these poses you'll find that your body just isn't ready for it. It can be any pose from downward dog to cobra to a headstand.
I have a weak low back that I've been working on strengthening since I sprained it 3 years ago. Cobra has been the pose that I have not been able to do for the past year. Partly because of weak muscles and partly out of fear I'll hurt myself again. About 2 weeks ago while in my Vinyasa yoga class we were put thru a series of poses and in the middle were instructed to go into cobra. Suddenly I was in the pose! I was shocked. It just happened without struggle or pain. I don't recall thinking about it before hand either. Boom! There I was legs pressed into the mat, elbows at my side and pulled back, and heart extended forward. It was an exhilarating moment for me.
A little time after my cobra debut I was talking to an instructor who mentioned how she loves in yoga that the body will tell 'you' when it's ready for a pose. After struggling with something for a period of time it'll just happen with ease. *gasp* I know right?! That just happened to me!! I want to yell. It got me thinking...as does most everything in my life. (My brains hurts sometimes from so much 'thinking'.) Does this yoga phenomenon happen in other areas of our existence?
This past weekend I went to my old stomping ground for a last minute trip with my mom. My Jazzercise mentor's 20th anniversary class was Saturday and a friend suggested I surprise her. It was also Conchita's birthday. In a spur of the moment decision I decided to go and the mom agreed it'd be a fun escape for a few days. Over the course of 4 days the mom was exposed to the 10 years of life and growth I had while living there. She hadn't visited much and by her own admission she didn't really know what my life was like. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I had walked her thru every major event, job, home, friend and habit I had while living there. By Saturday I was exhausted and somewhat withdrawn. I was confused and a little sad though I knew it wasn't because I missed living there. Conchita pointed out my mood a few times but between the 3 of us we couldn't figure it out the root cause. I finally chalked it up to PMS and exhaustion.
We are back to yoga Monday morning and I'm in my now famous cobra pose. As I'm breathing my llama labor breath a thought presented itself right dead center in my brain; "that period of my life is finished. The decade I spent growing and living in SoCal was what it was exactly what it was supposed to be and its over now and a new time is beginning." Holy crap! I was a stunned as I was when my body decided it liked cobra. It just happened without much consciousness from me. My brain and emotions decided I was done and had the strength to go onto the next 'pose'.
The rest of the day I kept testing myself by reliving memories that usually make me angry or sad and they did neither. It felt more like seeing something behind glass. I know it's there but I can't touch it only admire it through different eyes. I'm sure if I really wanted too I could break the glass and grab it with both hands but I don't think I want to do that right now.
In the past 18 months I've had to say goodbye to alot of things. From people to habits to clothes (see previous blogs). This time I didn't feel the sadness I felt with those other goodbyes. This felt acknowledging and liberating. All of that time is still here with me. It'll be in my writing and in my relationships. But it won't be in a large heavy emotional streamer trunk I'm carrying around everywhere I go. It's now compressed down into an ipod app titled "amy's life". I can tape the app and visit when ever I'd like but it won't launch itself. Well... it might but hopefully not as often as it used too.
So what now you ask? Not a clue. I am learning Italian, working on a script and dressing better. Hmmm...usually I'm dressing better. Full disclosure right now I'm in my fave holey cut off sweat pants and my CSUF alumni T. But HEY, it's just me and you right? I'll change before I run to the mall.
Until we meet again!
I have a weak low back that I've been working on strengthening since I sprained it 3 years ago. Cobra has been the pose that I have not been able to do for the past year. Partly because of weak muscles and partly out of fear I'll hurt myself again. About 2 weeks ago while in my Vinyasa yoga class we were put thru a series of poses and in the middle were instructed to go into cobra. Suddenly I was in the pose! I was shocked. It just happened without struggle or pain. I don't recall thinking about it before hand either. Boom! There I was legs pressed into the mat, elbows at my side and pulled back, and heart extended forward. It was an exhilarating moment for me.
A little time after my cobra debut I was talking to an instructor who mentioned how she loves in yoga that the body will tell 'you' when it's ready for a pose. After struggling with something for a period of time it'll just happen with ease. *gasp* I know right?! That just happened to me!! I want to yell. It got me thinking...as does most everything in my life. (My brains hurts sometimes from so much 'thinking'.) Does this yoga phenomenon happen in other areas of our existence?
This past weekend I went to my old stomping ground for a last minute trip with my mom. My Jazzercise mentor's 20th anniversary class was Saturday and a friend suggested I surprise her. It was also Conchita's birthday. In a spur of the moment decision I decided to go and the mom agreed it'd be a fun escape for a few days. Over the course of 4 days the mom was exposed to the 10 years of life and growth I had while living there. She hadn't visited much and by her own admission she didn't really know what my life was like. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I had walked her thru every major event, job, home, friend and habit I had while living there. By Saturday I was exhausted and somewhat withdrawn. I was confused and a little sad though I knew it wasn't because I missed living there. Conchita pointed out my mood a few times but between the 3 of us we couldn't figure it out the root cause. I finally chalked it up to PMS and exhaustion.
We are back to yoga Monday morning and I'm in my now famous cobra pose. As I'm breathing my llama labor breath a thought presented itself right dead center in my brain; "that period of my life is finished. The decade I spent growing and living in SoCal was what it was exactly what it was supposed to be and its over now and a new time is beginning." Holy crap! I was a stunned as I was when my body decided it liked cobra. It just happened without much consciousness from me. My brain and emotions decided I was done and had the strength to go onto the next 'pose'.
The rest of the day I kept testing myself by reliving memories that usually make me angry or sad and they did neither. It felt more like seeing something behind glass. I know it's there but I can't touch it only admire it through different eyes. I'm sure if I really wanted too I could break the glass and grab it with both hands but I don't think I want to do that right now.
In the past 18 months I've had to say goodbye to alot of things. From people to habits to clothes (see previous blogs). This time I didn't feel the sadness I felt with those other goodbyes. This felt acknowledging and liberating. All of that time is still here with me. It'll be in my writing and in my relationships. But it won't be in a large heavy emotional streamer trunk I'm carrying around everywhere I go. It's now compressed down into an ipod app titled "amy's life". I can tape the app and visit when ever I'd like but it won't launch itself. Well... it might but hopefully not as often as it used too.
So what now you ask? Not a clue. I am learning Italian, working on a script and dressing better. Hmmm...usually I'm dressing better. Full disclosure right now I'm in my fave holey cut off sweat pants and my CSUF alumni T. But HEY, it's just me and you right? I'll change before I run to the mall.
Until we meet again!
Monday, April 26, 2010
We need more Madonna's
I love the show Glee. I was in LA all last week with the Hubb's so I had to watch my recorded episode this afternoon. It was the much talked about MADONNA episode. The entire episode was filled with her songs while plot revolved around the female cast taking back the power of themselves and for the male cast to get it together and respect the girls. It was fab, catch it if you can online. A side note I'm ready for more Madonnas. Lady GaGa is a good start but I'm ready for more female empowerment role models! Anyway back to our story...
I grew up watching Madonna videos, dancing around my room with my cousin and wearing wrists full of rubber bracelets. As an adult I see what she provocative she was and I have to laugh that my parents didn't object to their 10 year old singing "Like a Virgin" or "Papa don't Preach". I was raised by wolves and but that's for another blog.
Thinking about Madonna right now is fitting due to the strange week I had romping around my old 'hood. I spent a lot of time with Chiquita and her squeeze Vesuvius. The main topic of conversations and a big issue in my mind for the past several months was about appearances. Namely the way we dress ourselves. Ugh...who am I kidding it was about how I dress myself. The Hubbs is being promoted faster than I can keep up with and because of his quick rise in the company his appearance is becoming more important. It's a challenge he's well equipped for and between you and me, I think he rather enjoys.
The prepster everyone knows and loves wasn't always so. As a matter of fact when I met Hubbs 11 years ago he had black hair to his waist, a goatee, leather jacket, skin tight jeans, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I described this vision of bad-ass to my new friend and future cousin-in-law a few weeks back and she laughed out loud. I don't think she believes me. I have to bring pics to the next family gathering.
Several years ago, without me realizing it, Hubbs began a drastic transformation. It began with his teeth and 4 painful years of braces. Then went the hair to a very neat and clipped do. The final piece was the clothes. Gosh so I miss those painted on jeans! *sigh* I digress...
While I miss my bad-boy the truth is he looks fabulous but more importantly he's comfortable in his skin and feels that his look represents who he is. So how does this all relate to me and Madonna? Here my answer, I'm jealous. Madonna was never the prettiest chick singer but damn if she wasn't the most talked about and admired!! She tried every kind of look and seemed to enjoy them all. I believe her popularity is due impart to her confidence and being strong in her own skin. I can't think of a time I've ever been comfortable in my skin or felt my clothes represented me. Its a struggle I've had for 2 decades! Now we're in a position that I need to be a better dressed partner for all the dinners and events that keep popping up. I keep missing the mark and then feel awkward during and after.
After months of analysis and a very truthful (and uncomfortable) conversation with Chiquita, Vesuvius and Hubbs. I think I finally get what my problem is...ready for this? I'm nuts! OK I'm kidding...sort of. I know I'm not a dog. No one is throwing rocks at me (thanks for that line Vesuvius). Its not that I ever felt ugly but I 'bloomed' VERY early. I woke up one day around age 12 with C cup ta-tas. I became very popular at the dances with the boys but less so with the girls...for obvious reasons! I figured out very quickly that the uglier I could make myself the easier it was to get along with other girls in my classes. Gag...it sounds so pathetic typed out! I should have found better friends but I didn't.
I took that twisted mentality thru high school and then onto dating. I dated this one guy that 'preferred' me to look 'casual' . He even went so far as to buy me the ugliest clothes I have ever seen! I had more over sized denim and khaki tan shirts than I'll ever need in one life time! I'll save you all the events between then and now but lets just say that I ended up dressing some very cute girls while my own wardrobe left A LOT to be desired.
Fast forward 2010 and I'm having lunch with my new friend/future cousin-in-law, I'll call her Beane. Beane is beyond fab! She dresses like a star and has the body for it. During our lunch the thought occured to me that she doesn't apologize for who she is (not that she should but you know what I'm sayin) and more importantly she's darn comfortable in her own skin no matter where she is. I was awe struck. I wanted some of that.
I needed an action plan but had no idea where to begin. We've talked about my previous shopping problem so I knew just going out to buy things wasn't the answer but what was? The conclusion I've come too is this: my brain seems to be wired all crazy so I'm going to over-ride the circuit. Every time I begin to feel insecure and dress-down I'm going to do the opposite. I trust Chiquita, Vesuvius and Hubbs when then tell me that I'm not representing myself correctly so in this one case I'm going to substitute their judgment for mine and fake it till I make it.
So if you happen to run into me and I'm wearing my cut off sweat pants and an over sized CSUF t-shirt shake your finger at me and tell me to go home and change~
I grew up watching Madonna videos, dancing around my room with my cousin and wearing wrists full of rubber bracelets. As an adult I see what she provocative she was and I have to laugh that my parents didn't object to their 10 year old singing "Like a Virgin" or "Papa don't Preach". I was raised by wolves and but that's for another blog.
Thinking about Madonna right now is fitting due to the strange week I had romping around my old 'hood. I spent a lot of time with Chiquita and her squeeze Vesuvius. The main topic of conversations and a big issue in my mind for the past several months was about appearances. Namely the way we dress ourselves. Ugh...who am I kidding it was about how I dress myself. The Hubbs is being promoted faster than I can keep up with and because of his quick rise in the company his appearance is becoming more important. It's a challenge he's well equipped for and between you and me, I think he rather enjoys.
The prepster everyone knows and loves wasn't always so. As a matter of fact when I met Hubbs 11 years ago he had black hair to his waist, a goatee, leather jacket, skin tight jeans, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I described this vision of bad-ass to my new friend and future cousin-in-law a few weeks back and she laughed out loud. I don't think she believes me. I have to bring pics to the next family gathering.
Several years ago, without me realizing it, Hubbs began a drastic transformation. It began with his teeth and 4 painful years of braces. Then went the hair to a very neat and clipped do. The final piece was the clothes. Gosh so I miss those painted on jeans! *sigh* I digress...
While I miss my bad-boy the truth is he looks fabulous but more importantly he's comfortable in his skin and feels that his look represents who he is. So how does this all relate to me and Madonna? Here my answer, I'm jealous. Madonna was never the prettiest chick singer but damn if she wasn't the most talked about and admired!! She tried every kind of look and seemed to enjoy them all. I believe her popularity is due impart to her confidence and being strong in her own skin. I can't think of a time I've ever been comfortable in my skin or felt my clothes represented me. Its a struggle I've had for 2 decades! Now we're in a position that I need to be a better dressed partner for all the dinners and events that keep popping up. I keep missing the mark and then feel awkward during and after.
After months of analysis and a very truthful (and uncomfortable) conversation with Chiquita, Vesuvius and Hubbs. I think I finally get what my problem is...ready for this? I'm nuts! OK I'm kidding...sort of. I know I'm not a dog. No one is throwing rocks at me (thanks for that line Vesuvius). Its not that I ever felt ugly but I 'bloomed' VERY early. I woke up one day around age 12 with C cup ta-tas. I became very popular at the dances with the boys but less so with the girls...for obvious reasons! I figured out very quickly that the uglier I could make myself the easier it was to get along with other girls in my classes. Gag...it sounds so pathetic typed out! I should have found better friends but I didn't.
I took that twisted mentality thru high school and then onto dating. I dated this one guy that 'preferred' me to look 'casual' . He even went so far as to buy me the ugliest clothes I have ever seen! I had more over sized denim and khaki tan shirts than I'll ever need in one life time! I'll save you all the events between then and now but lets just say that I ended up dressing some very cute girls while my own wardrobe left A LOT to be desired.
Fast forward 2010 and I'm having lunch with my new friend/future cousin-in-law, I'll call her Beane. Beane is beyond fab! She dresses like a star and has the body for it. During our lunch the thought occured to me that she doesn't apologize for who she is (not that she should but you know what I'm sayin) and more importantly she's darn comfortable in her own skin no matter where she is. I was awe struck. I wanted some of that.
I needed an action plan but had no idea where to begin. We've talked about my previous shopping problem so I knew just going out to buy things wasn't the answer but what was? The conclusion I've come too is this: my brain seems to be wired all crazy so I'm going to over-ride the circuit. Every time I begin to feel insecure and dress-down I'm going to do the opposite. I trust Chiquita, Vesuvius and Hubbs when then tell me that I'm not representing myself correctly so in this one case I'm going to substitute their judgment for mine and fake it till I make it.
So if you happen to run into me and I'm wearing my cut off sweat pants and an over sized CSUF t-shirt shake your finger at me and tell me to go home and change~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
