I'm getting pretty darn tired of revisiting all the crap involved with moving back to the land of dirt and cactus. As you know, we moved way back in January and now 2 months later, crap is still surfacing. Mostly I mean emotional crap but there is the occasional material crap that has appeared recently too.
I learned something about my personality this morning that I'm not sure I like very much. I belong to a 'newcomers group' at a local church and I began attending the sessions the week after I arrived. In this group there are 8 women who for various reasons have found themselves in Chandler from all over the country. Some had only been there a year or so and a few for 2-4 years. I was behind the curve with only a week under my belt. They commented on how great it was that I started the healing process so quickly and how they wished they'd joined sooner. There was a great book involved and homework too. I was in my element. Tangible things to rate my progress.
Well, I jumped into this process with the same verve and vigor I usually start something that I think I can control. I read, studied, journaled and professed all sort of useless witty wisdom in class and felt quite proud of myself. (you can see what's coming can't ya?) Yeah...that was until we went on Spring Break for the last 2 weeks.
Last week was probably one of the worst emotionally I've had since the move. Funny thing though, I didn't notice it. I was so freakin' busy over the last month. In 4 weeks I went to the Keys, Vegas and had 2 separate sets of company! I was so 'in control' that I didn't notice that I was rapidly unraveling. Last week when all the company left and the travel was through I was suddenly plunged into boredom and consequently depression. I didn't notice the depression because I was do busy being indignant with how ungrateful people were with my help and guidance in their life. Now given they didn't ask for my help or guidance...that's not the point! Ahhh...but as I realize today that very well may be the point.
Last Wednesday night the Hubbs shuffled in between work and a working dinner and in the brief 15 minutes we had together he dropped this little jewel on me, "I think your depressed or something. You seem off and I can't figure out why you still haven't done the things you said you'd do like join a gym." What a guy, right? Loves his wife so much he comments that she hasn't joined a gym! *sigh* I said he was intelligent but he's not always the bright crayon in the box! Being the woman that I am, I focused on the gym comment more than the depressed one which he quickly brought to my attention in his attempts to extract his foot from his mouth. It was an interesting thought and one that stayed in my mind all weekend and into this week. Was I depressed? I know me, I've seen me depressed and this ain't it. Huh, what was it then?
We had an interesting weekend spat in the parking lot of IKEA over something or another and that passed then yesterday morning we had another one over the very serious subject of yogurt. My brain was still grinding trying to figure out how to 'fix' my depression or whatever was wrong and fix it NOW.
That brings our story to this mornings Newcomers group. The comment came up again that I was smart to start the group early in my move and how great I seemed to be doing. The proverbial light bulb went off in my head at the that moment. I wasn't smart or wise. I was a moron. I had decided that I could set a schedule for how long I was going to take to heal from the move and that's all the time I would need. Oh good grief, isn't that like telling yourself that you only get 3 days to heal from a cold and then it must be gone. Hel-lo who's telling the germs that they have to move along? I'm also the same chick who decided in Co-Dependants Anonymous that I would only need 6 weeks to do the entire 12 steps! Obviously that worked out for me very well. (note the sarcasm and go back to paragraph 4 and me 'helping' other with their lives) What in the world was I thinking?! Of course I was depressed! I did the mechanics of reading the book and doing all my homework but I never allowed myself to be sad...really really sad.
So guess what, I'm really really sad. I miss California. Not the idea of living there or what it defined me as but the actual place. I miss my dear sweet smart friend who showed me how to love the town I lived in. I miss the connection I had with my Jazzercise peeps. I miss walking Seal Beach every Wed & Fri and talking to the one legged pigeons on the pier. I miss our sweet neighbor that had to hug me every time she saw me which could mean several times a day. I miss being able to go to Downtown Disney just because I felt like hanging out and watching the families on vacation. I miss my church.
Hmmm...interesting. Just as I was typing those last few sentences, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to stop and bawl it out for a few minutes. In sobbing like a child, I feel better than I've felt in a very long time. I'm still crying but I think that's ok. I remembering that just because I miss my last home doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to be where God just plopped me. That's an interesting thought. By allowing myself to be out of control enough to let my emotions run their course, suddenly I feel more in control of what's going on inside.
Man oh man does God have a strange sense of humor or what? The very thing I was trying to avoid was the very thing I needed. I guess that's true for all of us isn't it? I'm scrambling around trying to make every ones life calm and peaceful while avoiding the very emotions that if expressed can give me some peace.
Well, there ya have it folks. In the course of a half hour of rambling in a blog I checked my ego at the door and cried or more importantly admitted that I cried! I'm sure the Hubbs will be so grateful he didn't have to witness the crying part. He's not so good with that!
Well, I'm off to the gym! *wink* Let's talk again soon.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Rested in Margaritaville
"Rested away again in Margaritaville
Looking for my lost shaker of sane
Some people claim that there's a
padded room for me but I say
no way
the moves to blame."
I spent 5 days in the Florida Keys with Ma a few weeks back. She had a site visit to take care of and I tagged along. After 2 months of sheer chaos, a week in the tropical keys was just what this gal needed. I'd never been to the Keys but over the past few years I've had 3 separate friends return and tell me that they could see me living there. I was intrigued. Normally people tell me things like "oh these pants are so ugly...they look like you!" Or "this movie was bad, can you explain it to me". I suppose I could be insulted but truth be told I'm usually flattered. So when the topic of the Keys came up I was on board.
Gotta tell ya, they were right but with a twist. The Keys were sensational and I felt more at home than anywhere I've ever been with the possible exception of the North Shore of Oahu. I loved Marathon and Ducks Key. Key West was very cool and I am aware of it being the home of my hero Mr. Buffett but...I'm not sure it was a place to live for me. It was a mixture of Vegas and New Orleans but on the beach. I realized the power of this tiny community when one evening while strolling Duval St with some friends. We stopped at an open air gay bar and watched some rather good looking men in their skivvies dancing on the bar to "Disco Inferno". I heard a female voice singing along from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and to my shock and awe is my classy refined mother with her arms over her head dancing and singing along..."burn baby burn..." I probably need to set this scene better for you to understand the sheer hilarity of it. The friends we were with were a very good friend of my dad's, who is the EX of my mom, and her friend. This was the first time the dad-friend had ever met my mother and she was now doubled over with laughter!
*side note - Yesterday in my women's bible study the question was asked, "what does God do in your life to make you laugh?" Hel-lo he gave me my parents...all of them! Oh, and He's constantly putting events into place in my life that I have nothing else to do but laugh and write about them!*
BACK TO SCENE
You may be questioning if my classy mom was drinking as is the way in Key West but I can say with authority that she wasn't. The strongest thing she'd had was coke lotta ice. See?! It's the power of Key West. It can turn a refined classic woman into a dancing queen, make men wear Bermuda shorts with socks and sandals, make you think pink flamingos are the fashion statement you MUST make, and turn an uptight stressed out writer back into her former self.
Speaking of fashion statements I did make a few myself. There is a great store called Key West Hand Print. They take local artists work and copy the prints onto fabric then make clothes out of them. WOHOOO...I hit the mother load. They were having an 80% off liquidation sale and baby did this unemployed writer stock up. (see previous blogg regarding my shopping!) I bought a bright lime green dress with fuchsia flowers, a multicolor jacket that was pink, tangerine, blue, lemon, and lime colored and to play it safe a white, blue and turquoise skirt. While I still love them, I did question it a bit when I saw the items in the light of AZ reality and not the golden haze of Key West eyes. The Hubb's gave a big exasperated sigh said they were "atrocious but so you" when he viewed my treasures for the first time. (I'm so glad he loves me the way I am)
During this trip I decided that instead of writing about all the wonderful things I noshed on, I'm going to add another blog that is strictly dedicated to places I've visited and the pleasures I've eatten...and the scarey stuff too. I'll send you the link when I have it up and running. But I leave you with this, if you don't like seafood, try it in the Keys. It's a religous experience!
So here's the wrap up:
To my friends that claimed I belong in the Keys - THANK YOU for knowing me so well and you are correct.
If you want to see how kooky your parental units can be, take 'em to Key West.
While on a trip buy something you'd never buy at home...but keep it affordable.
Eat something you wouldn't eat at home. Unless allergic...then skip it!
But most importantly take the time whether it be a week or an hour to give yourself a break. You need it...trust me!
Looking for my lost shaker of sane
Some people claim that there's a
padded room for me but I say
no way
the moves to blame."
I spent 5 days in the Florida Keys with Ma a few weeks back. She had a site visit to take care of and I tagged along. After 2 months of sheer chaos, a week in the tropical keys was just what this gal needed. I'd never been to the Keys but over the past few years I've had 3 separate friends return and tell me that they could see me living there. I was intrigued. Normally people tell me things like "oh these pants are so ugly...they look like you!" Or "this movie was bad, can you explain it to me". I suppose I could be insulted but truth be told I'm usually flattered. So when the topic of the Keys came up I was on board.
Gotta tell ya, they were right but with a twist. The Keys were sensational and I felt more at home than anywhere I've ever been with the possible exception of the North Shore of Oahu. I loved Marathon and Ducks Key. Key West was very cool and I am aware of it being the home of my hero Mr. Buffett but...I'm not sure it was a place to live for me. It was a mixture of Vegas and New Orleans but on the beach. I realized the power of this tiny community when one evening while strolling Duval St with some friends. We stopped at an open air gay bar and watched some rather good looking men in their skivvies dancing on the bar to "Disco Inferno". I heard a female voice singing along from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and to my shock and awe is my classy refined mother with her arms over her head dancing and singing along..."burn baby burn..." I probably need to set this scene better for you to understand the sheer hilarity of it. The friends we were with were a very good friend of my dad's, who is the EX of my mom, and her friend. This was the first time the dad-friend had ever met my mother and she was now doubled over with laughter!
*side note - Yesterday in my women's bible study the question was asked, "what does God do in your life to make you laugh?" Hel-lo he gave me my parents...all of them! Oh, and He's constantly putting events into place in my life that I have nothing else to do but laugh and write about them!*
BACK TO SCENE
You may be questioning if my classy mom was drinking as is the way in Key West but I can say with authority that she wasn't. The strongest thing she'd had was coke lotta ice. See?! It's the power of Key West. It can turn a refined classic woman into a dancing queen, make men wear Bermuda shorts with socks and sandals, make you think pink flamingos are the fashion statement you MUST make, and turn an uptight stressed out writer back into her former self.
Speaking of fashion statements I did make a few myself. There is a great store called Key West Hand Print. They take local artists work and copy the prints onto fabric then make clothes out of them. WOHOOO...I hit the mother load. They were having an 80% off liquidation sale and baby did this unemployed writer stock up. (see previous blogg regarding my shopping!) I bought a bright lime green dress with fuchsia flowers, a multicolor jacket that was pink, tangerine, blue, lemon, and lime colored and to play it safe a white, blue and turquoise skirt. While I still love them, I did question it a bit when I saw the items in the light of AZ reality and not the golden haze of Key West eyes. The Hubb's gave a big exasperated sigh said they were "atrocious but so you" when he viewed my treasures for the first time. (I'm so glad he loves me the way I am)
During this trip I decided that instead of writing about all the wonderful things I noshed on, I'm going to add another blog that is strictly dedicated to places I've visited and the pleasures I've eatten...and the scarey stuff too. I'll send you the link when I have it up and running. But I leave you with this, if you don't like seafood, try it in the Keys. It's a religous experience!
So here's the wrap up:
To my friends that claimed I belong in the Keys - THANK YOU for knowing me so well and you are correct.
If you want to see how kooky your parental units can be, take 'em to Key West.
While on a trip buy something you'd never buy at home...but keep it affordable.
Eat something you wouldn't eat at home. Unless allergic...then skip it!
But most importantly take the time whether it be a week or an hour to give yourself a break. You need it...trust me!
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