I'm not over this yet?!?!

I'm getting pretty darn tired of revisiting all the crap involved with moving back to the land of dirt and cactus. As you know, we moved way back in January and now 2 months later, crap is still surfacing. Mostly I mean emotional crap but there is the occasional material crap that has appeared recently too.

I learned something about my personality this morning that I'm not sure I like very much. I belong to a 'newcomers group' at a local church and I began attending the sessions the week after I arrived. In this group there are 8 women who for various reasons have found themselves in Chandler from all over the country. Some had only been there a year or so and a few for 2-4 years. I was behind the curve with only a week under my belt. They commented on how great it was that I started the healing process so quickly and how they wished they'd joined sooner. There was a great book involved and homework too. I was in my element. Tangible things to rate my progress.

Well, I jumped into this process with the same verve and vigor I usually start something that I think I can control. I read, studied, journaled and professed all sort of useless witty wisdom in class and felt quite proud of myself. (you can see what's coming can't ya?) Yeah...that was until we went on Spring Break for the last 2 weeks.

Last week was probably one of the worst emotionally I've had since the move. Funny thing though, I didn't notice it. I was so freakin' busy over the last month. In 4 weeks I went to the Keys, Vegas and had 2 separate sets of company! I was so 'in control' that I didn't notice that I was rapidly unraveling. Last week when all the company left and the travel was through I was suddenly plunged into boredom and consequently depression. I didn't notice the depression because I was do busy being indignant with how ungrateful people were with my help and guidance in their life. Now given they didn't ask for my help or guidance...that's not the point! Ahhh...but as I realize today that very well may be the point.

Last Wednesday night the Hubbs shuffled in between work and a working dinner and in the brief 15 minutes we had together he dropped this little jewel on me, "I think your depressed or something. You seem off and I can't figure out why you still haven't done the things you said you'd do like join a gym." What a guy, right? Loves his wife so much he comments that she hasn't joined a gym! *sigh* I said he was intelligent but he's not always the bright crayon in the box! Being the woman that I am, I focused on the gym comment more than the depressed one which he quickly brought to my attention in his attempts to extract his foot from his mouth. It was an interesting thought and one that stayed in my mind all weekend and into this week. Was I depressed? I know me, I've seen me depressed and this ain't it. Huh, what was it then?

We had an interesting weekend spat in the parking lot of IKEA over something or another and that passed then yesterday morning we had another one over the very serious subject of yogurt. My brain was still grinding trying to figure out how to 'fix' my depression or whatever was wrong and fix it NOW.

That brings our story to this mornings Newcomers group. The comment came up again that I was smart to start the group early in my move and how great I seemed to be doing. The proverbial light bulb went off in my head at the that moment. I wasn't smart or wise. I was a moron. I had decided that I could set a schedule for how long I was going to take to heal from the move and that's all the time I would need. Oh good grief, isn't that like telling yourself that you only get 3 days to heal from a cold and then it must be gone. Hel-lo who's telling the germs that they have to move along? I'm also the same chick who decided in Co-Dependants Anonymous that I would only need 6 weeks to do the entire 12 steps! Obviously that worked out for me very well. (note the sarcasm and go back to paragraph 4 and me 'helping' other with their lives) What in the world was I thinking?! Of course I was depressed! I did the mechanics of reading the book and doing all my homework but I never allowed myself to be sad...really really sad.

So guess what, I'm really really sad. I miss California. Not the idea of living there or what it defined me as but the actual place. I miss my dear sweet smart friend who showed me how to love the town I lived in. I miss the connection I had with my Jazzercise peeps. I miss walking Seal Beach every Wed & Fri and talking to the one legged pigeons on the pier. I miss our sweet neighbor that had to hug me every time she saw me which could mean several times a day. I miss being able to go to Downtown Disney just because I felt like hanging out and watching the families on vacation. I miss my church.

Hmmm...interesting. Just as I was typing those last few sentences, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to stop and bawl it out for a few minutes. In sobbing like a child, I feel better than I've felt in a very long time. I'm still crying but I think that's ok. I remembering that just because I miss my last home doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to be where God just plopped me. That's an interesting thought. By allowing myself to be out of control enough to let my emotions run their course, suddenly I feel more in control of what's going on inside.

Man oh man does God have a strange sense of humor or what? The very thing I was trying to avoid was the very thing I needed. I guess that's true for all of us isn't it? I'm scrambling around trying to make every ones life calm and peaceful while avoiding the very emotions that if expressed can give me some peace.

Well, there ya have it folks. In the course of a half hour of rambling in a blog I checked my ego at the door and cried or more importantly admitted that I cried! I'm sure the Hubbs will be so grateful he didn't have to witness the crying part. He's not so good with that!

Well, I'm off to the gym! *wink* Let's talk again soon.