Hello...I'm a Cali-oholic.

There's a 'oholic' for everything these days isn't there? What started with alcohol has morphed into tons of other issue from sports, golfoholic, to chocolate, choco-holic, to shopping. Have grown up in a family that should have the word 'addiction' emblazoned somewhere on the family crest, it's surprising that I myself did not suffer from an addiction to alcohol, food, drugs recreation or prescription. I thought I was in the clear for many years until about 5 years ago when I was struck with the notion that I did in fact have an addiction. It's one that I take very seriously but has become 'cute'. You see "shopaholic in training' on baby onesies and "follow me to the mall" on the license plate covers of many an SUV. Somewhere shopping has become an acceptable past time in the country. It's...well weird.

Today the movie "Confessions of a shopoholic" opened nationwide. You may have seen a commercial or two...(note sarcasm). My mom and I decided to check out what the fuss was all about and I'm embarrassed to say I loved it. Being a writer and have studied film for a very long time I wish that I could say I associated myself with more complex 'art' style films but sadly movies like "Wedding Singer", "Christmas Vacation", "Talledega Nights" and now "Confessions" are where I see myself.

At one point in the film the leading character describes the feeling of shopping and I was salivating. I got it in a big way. Here let me show you: I loved to shop. The energy mixed with muzak of a mall, the hope on every hanger and every shelf. *sigh* The clothes were so neatly arranged by color, all fresh and new. Shoes displayed like art on lit shelves with mirrors reflecting their perfectness. This made sense when my own life was chaotic. I could enter any store from Target to Neimens and the rush was the same. I could chose who I wanted to be at that moment. I poured over magazines so I knew what was new for the season, who was wearing what and how to spot a knock off at 100 yards. I had worth and knowledge no matter how worthless it seems now. I could define myself with a bottle of Chanel perfume or a pair of Betsy Johnson shoes. I could make myself believe I was anyone I wanted to be and that certainly wasn't...well...myself.

I remember this particularly low point when I was in Neiman Marcus at Scottsdale Fashion Square. I was seeking makeup to make me look like Sandra Bullock. (yeah, I have no idea what that was about either) I had no job and no cash but I did have an open credit card for Neimans. After I impulsively decided on $200 worth of makeup the salesgirl, with sympathy, came back to me requesting I go to the 'guest' services desk. This was Neimans, they don't cut your card up at the counter, they send you to a dark corner of the store away from their 'guests' so your humiliation isn't public...thanks...I think.

I remember crying all the way home and not because I was faced with the reality of my own behavior but because I was no longer loved by Neimans. I wish I could say that this event was a turning point in my life but it wasn't. I didn't change my behavior until almost 10 years later. Wow that's ugly to see in print!

You see, I get how addictions form and they can take any action whether it be in drink or spending or any other way. There's a feeling of euphoria that takes over and then you chase that same feeling when it begins to fade. The irony is of course your behavior usually causes the depressed state that causes more of the same action.

When I quit shopping I see now I how simply changed how I defined myself and decided that I was "the girl from SoCal". In my family Southern California is the 'holy grail'. Many have tried to live there and most have come back with their tail between their legs. By some grace of God I managed to be there 10 years with a modicum of success. Moving back to AZ was humiliating no matter how it happened. What's really be irritating lately is how much I've liked being back. I love the less traffic, on the freeway and in Trader Joes! I love being close to my friends and family and reconnecting with past friends. My mom commented on how much calmer I seemed and I swear it got under my skin. "No way man. I don't belong here so there's no way I'm calm here!" LOL...even I can see how much I sound like an insolent child!

I was struck by a line in the movie today about defining ourselves. I won't spoil it for you and quote it but here's what I took; what defines you as a person? Is it your job? Your family? Your possessions? I suddenly found myself with no definition, muscle or otherwise. I wasn't' teaching Jazzercise, wasn't writing, and more importantly I wasn't in California anymore. All the way home from the movie, which incidentally we watched at Scottsdale Fashion Mall, I asked myself this question. A few things came to mind which you know I'm going to share!

I define myself by the joy I see in the Hubb's eyes when he laughs at my corny jokes. I define myself at the ability to make my best friends laugh even while their crying. I define myself as the girl who can dance in the store with her God Daughter and not care who's watching. I define myself as the girl who can forgive no matter how hard it may seem. But more important than all of that I learned this week, thanks to my women's group, that I'm a daughter of the King. I...we are royalty. We are Princesses and not just by bedazzling that across a t-shirt (though I do love a good bedazzle). We are the example of the Prince of Peace. I LOVE that!!

So now let me ask you, what defines you?